Being Like my Mom

It's not a bad thing! (Maureen, read this to the end.)
I read on Facebook, "Sometimes, when I open my mouth, my mother comes out." Well, for me. A lot of the times.
My mom's faith seems to be the strongest thing I mimic of hers. But, it's not hers; it is mine now. Eternal faith in God that everything will turn out just fine. That perfect optimism that, well, isn't so perfect.
I have wondered why my daughter dreads making decisions so much. It's hereditary. I don't like making decisions either. So, I put them off as long as I can. Yes, most of the time, they resolve themselves. Or, better yet, someone else (especially at work) comes up with a better idea than I had and I grab that one and run with it. I guess that's why I like working in teams; we can all look good. (I do not take other people's ideas and pass them off as my own. I just want that to be clear.)
But my mom is 86 years old, as I write this. She is clinging to that faith, and failing to make decisions. This lack of decision-making has her children in difficult situations.
She's being treated for leukemia in Canada with a drug that is causing severe osteoporosis. Her treatment here in the states did not have this effect, AND seemed to work miraculously with her body to combat this disease. But she had to be home with her husband. Now, after two broken and two cracked hips, she has one new one. Other problems are inhibiting her exercise to keep it strong, and it has slipped out twice.
So, to make a long story short: Mom lives in Canada most of the time, where her health deteriorates. She comes to visit us to be patched back together, so she can go home to fall apart again.
All the while, sister Barb is telling Linda, Patti and I, "Don't do this to your children! Plan ahead." Hmm. That means, making decisions.
Years ago, I was called to go visit my great aunt and uncle in Tucson when he had been hospitalized. They were far, far from her children (he had none) and they were trying to figure out what was going on. I was their eyes. And I saw two old people trying desperately to be independent; trying fiercely to hold on to their lives.
At what point do we have to give up a part of our lives, a part of our independence, to regain some freedom? At what point do we become a burden to our children?
I'm starting to think it is a short time in between bearing them and burdening them that we are called to really live. Have fun. Because when we start to become a burden, we do have to abandon some of the personal decisions we have come to treasure.
How can I say that? I'm not there yet. But, I'm seeing it. I'm seeing and feeling the frustration of our mom's declining health on me and my siblings. She doesn't seem to sense it at all. So, perhaps at some point in the future, I will have to read this and ask myself if my children are pulling their hair out.
I am convinced that my children will make good decisions for me, but, they will be compromised decisions, based upon what is good for them and what is good for me. Because that's what we want for mom. With our five brains, we've wrestled with many different plans/ideas/situations. Some of them stem from the fact that we are being inconvenienced by our mother. Many of them come from our concern for her health.
So. Do I let my children make decisions for me? Or, do I start making them now? But, what decisions can I make now?
Do I decide not to decide, and then try to pick one of the best options they might have for me? Will making decisions be easier then? I think not. So, how do I not be like my mom, and plan ahead?

Walk from the victory

Background: I have a straight neck, with bone spurs in it; and a compressed disc. This combination can lead to some debilitating headaches. I say they're worse than migraines. Well, I know they're at least as bad.
This morning, I was in pain.
So, today after church I went forward for prayer. I had planned to. Determined to. I was very pleased when two of my favorite intercessors stepped to my side of the sanctuary. I raced up to them as soon as Pastor Scott said goodbye.
Linda prayed for healing. And said I needed to let go of things. She asked me specifically if I saw anything. No. But, what came to mind was the efforts we had been making over the last couple months to find a condo for Christina to live in. Linda said she felt it was important for me to clothe myself in the armor of God. Se prayed that only God's darts would penetrate my shield of faith. She prayed for oil to come down over me. She also saw a sponge that was dry; that needed to be soaked again, to be flexible and useable.
I could totally feel that. I do feel dried up. Like I've been giving too much and not replenishing. Yeah. I know that. I love spending my time in devotionals and the Word in the morning. But probably doing it while I'm on the elliptical really doesn't count! Multi-tasking isn't what I should be doing when He's looking for time with me.
Do you ever feel so squeezed for time that you wind up justifying how you do your "quiet time?"
Then Kristy asked me if I had a daughter, and if she lived here. Yes, I said. Why? She asked if it had always been a good relationship. No. It was, and then wasn't; but it's pretty good right now and getting better. I figure that's what happens with a lot of mother/daughter relationships. Kristy sensed that it was a large part of the load I'm carrying, and is causing some of my pain. She also said it is the process and the relationship that is important; not the actual purchase. Kristy said I had many daughters and that God said I would have many more. 
Kristy said I needed to walk from the victory; it isn't coming, it already is. And I need to walk forward as if I am walking from the victory.

Have you ever fought a squirrel?

It's war. It's one intelligence against the other. And it feels as though the superior intelligence is not winning. The lesser may have minimal intelligence, but the ingenuity is amazing.
I'm not talking about mortal enemies. I'm not talking about artificial intelligence vs man. I'm talking about squirrels. They have become the nemesis my husband can't overcome. And, I have discovered, he is not the only one embroiled in this fight.
Dwight has pictures on his phone of the squirrels his wife has shot! Apparently, she's an excellent shot. Terry's husband can't get to his gun fast enough these days, because he's confined to a wheelchair; but that doesn't stop him from trying. Arline's husband fought the good fight for a whole season - we didn't get to the end of that story.
Ken is now on his third bird feeder. The first one was smashed to pieces when it hit the ground. It was supposed to be squirrel proof. Well, it wasn't when it was on the ground. We found it the next morning. We wondered how they could have done it. But, he hung a second one up that was not squirrel proof,  but did have smaller perches and a metal roof. They ate through the rope holding the whole contraption in place! Number three is in place now. The squirrels have been on it, we can tell. The doors that close automatically on this "squirrel-proof" one have been chewed on! They are persistent, for sure. I guess there's something we can learn from them.
Never give up! Never surrender! ??
They don't.
As we left for dancing last night, Ken asked, "is the birdfeeder still hanging?" Yes. Two seconds later, he asked, "Is the bird feeder still hanging?" Yes. A few seconds later, he asked, "what about now, is it still hanging?"
Perhaps it will be funny one day.
So it was, when Cristina and I visited the Wildflower Seed Farm near Fredericksburg a few weeks ago and I picked up a "squirrel feeder" in the gift store. "If you can't beat them, join them?" No, we didn't buy it. But, it was tempting.

When everything goes wrong

What a fun day Wednesday was! I got the tickets bought for our next trip to Sicily, and then Ken and I took off for Gruene to dance to The Georges, our favorite band. Four hours later, we headed home; happy and tired. We slept good that night.
The next morning, I noticed a message on the answering machine. From the airline company. Our credit card had been declined! I was ready to become frantic. I had shopped hard for a good deal and a good flight; I couldn't lose those tickets! So, as I walked out the door for the gym, armed with my laptop (not sure why I tucked it under my arm) and my bags for the day, Ken said he would call the credit card company and email me the info.
When I got to the gym, I tried to open the door with my key chain, instead of the gym fob they gave me. That made me feel pretty dumb! When I got on the treadmill, I found I still had my glasses on. (At that distance, I don't need them to read my iPad.) As I ran, my sweat rag fell off the machine, onto the floor. I knew I didn't want to use it after that.
As I pulled back the shower curtain, I realized I had forgotten my towel. I was thankful for the extra Nike Dri-Fit shirt that was in my gym bag. It really does soak up really well! As I searched for the spray gel, for my hair, I remembered pulling it out at home. Hmm. The hairstyle was going to be a little wild today! Then, when I finally got out to the car, I realized I hadn't packed the black shoes I needed for my outfit. I only had the white ones. Oh well.
I arrived at the office and the boss was trying to figure out how to print on 11x17 paper from the bypass tray. Ah! That was a task I had managed before with this (free, but very) user-UNfriendly copy machine. But, I still wound up calling the help desk, after I had him email me the file. His version was very blurry. It was a good thing I had my laptop with me, with the right software to handle the little task! Done before checking my email. Yes, Ken said all was straightened out.
Then, I called the airlines and convinced them to try the credit card again, since Ken's email said the card was good, as we suspected. No known reason for the decline, except to put us into a tizzy.
As I was scrambling to eat a quick breakfast, the volunteers for the day walked in and asked how I was doing. "Great!" I said. Why not? The day could only get better, and besides, if I got crabby about the morning it wouldn't make the people around me happy. They'd just try to avoid me, probably. But, I determined that I wasn't going to let these situations get me down. It might make me forgetful, but it wouldn't get me down.
There are too many wonderful things and people around me. But, mostly, I decided that God was going to work this out.
"Can circumstances possibly change, who I forever am in You?" Nope.

In-laws

I'm sitting on my front porch, enjoying a mango/berry smoothie, courtesy of my daughter-in-law, who left here nine months ago. How can that be? Well, I've finally been using things out of my freezer, and halfway down, I ran into the frozen bags of mango chucks and mixed berries she bought while she was visiting.
Naturally, as I enjoy it, I am thinking of her; praying for her; and thanking God for her. You never know where your blessings in life are going to come from. This one came into our lives in part due to our prayers, and in part due to Jon pursuing her! We are so glad he did.

She makes me think back to the precious mother-in-law that I had. She loved me, and she encouraged me, and she chastised me, lovingly. She stood up for her son, but acknowledged he wasn't perfect. And she loved her grandkids like any good grandma should. As I think about parts of her life, my heart aches for what she went through. I don't think folks understood things like depression back when she needed that understanding. So, she did the best she could to live up to Mrs. Cleavers' example. She had a husband who loved her, and supported everything she did with their three sons. And then a brain tumor stole him away. But she never stopped being that ideal that she felt was expected. Even when she received the medical report of her terminal condition, she was willing, and determined, to be the strong one.
As women, we look for others to emulate. I never thought I could do or be all that she was, and did. It just seemed like too much! But, she is one of those models that I always keep before me.
And that brings me back around to thinking about my daughter-in-law. April is everything I hope I was to my children, but I know I probably wasn't. I didn't give them the time she puts into my grandchildren. I didn't create spaces for them to be creative, like she does. I didn't pray for them nearly as much as she prays for hers. While I addressed my husband's basic needs when he came home from work, I didn't try to get into his areas of interest and join him there (until recently).
To say she is amazing seems almost superficial. But in truth she seems to be more than that. Her genuine sincerity makes everyone feel as though she is most concerned about them. Her unfailing trust in God comes out in the way she loves. And I know that love was instrumental in our grand-daughter making a profession of faith at age five. (And no, I don't think that's too young. Just ask her daddy, who did it at three.)
She confirms my faith in the Lord. I love sharing Him with her! 
April's fault? She tries to be and do everything for everyone, and that makes her late! She just can't seem to be on time, but it's because she is busy thinking about everyone else. And when she smiles, laughs and apologizes, how can you not forgive her? She was probably writing one of those darling Thank You notes to someone. Or on the phone with them, listening and encouraging. As I went through a spiritual wilderness around Christmas, and we were visiting them, I began crying one day. I was embarrassed, mad at myself, and I couldn't stop. She put her hand on mine and prayed for me! She didn't judge or condemn or question or criticize. She accepted me, and lifted me up to God. I have a few friends who might do that. I never imagined I would have a daughter-in-law who would, and who would also be so kind, thoughtful and gentle.
I don't know why God blessed our family with this woman. But, we all agree it was His doing. It's just too hard to imagine it happening by chance.
So, as I am reaching the bottom of my smoothie, I want to thank Jesus for all of my blessings. They all link together to create a beautiful mosaic of love in front, behind, and around me; and April is one of the most important links that helps remind me that all good things come from Him.

A blessing

Ken and I talked about the need to find out the kids' routine. We never imagined it might mean letting them streak through the house, naked, with only their baby towels on their heads and capes flying behind them! This is the after-bath game. And, watching Kairo attempt to run on his new-found legs brought me the delightful laughter that resounded in my soul.
In just a few days, Jon and April leave for Belgium for two weeks, and Ken and I will be in charge of our grandkids. Eva is closer to five than four-and-a-half. Kairo is almost18 months. Jon won the trip; Ken and I got first prize, though! (We'll see if I'm still thinking that way in a couple weeks.)

(I wrote the above paragraphs in October 2014.)
Today, I look back on that two weeks with teary-eyes and a gleaming happy soul. The wonder that my grandkids see in the world helps me to look anew at things every day. But, the warmth of their smiles, the delight of their giggles, and wonderful sound of hearing, "Grandma!!!" from across the room when I went to school to pick her up - they are all memories that will never fade. 
Then, there were other things:
I bought material and a pattern. I cut it out and sewed it together, so Eva could be Mary Poppins for Halloween. When she saw it she said, quite plainly and unemotionally, "I'm so excited to wear it." I thought she was being polite. A few days later, when her mom and dad pulled up in the driveway, having been gone for 14 whole days, she jumped up and down once. Then, she started wiggling her little arms. Then, she stopped. I discovered then that she plays her emotions very close to her heart and doesn't display them openly. So, when she was showing her mom and dad the Mary Poppins outfit and told them, "I'm so excited to wear it," I knew that she was actually jumping up and down inside. And that's exactly what my heart did. 
We got Kairo to go down the slide at the park. He was really enjoying it, while Eva was doing the twisty slide. Kairo climbed his way up to the top with Eva, and Pa. So Pa announced to me that he was going to put the boy on the slide. I waited at the bottom. He came to a stop with a shock on his face. Then, he burst into a smile. A huge smile. I took him over to the edge of the sandpit, and he pointed. Ah, the little man of few words. "Again?" I asked. "Again," he said. And so he did. Mr. Adventure. 

Gotta give her mom some credit. She did the hat. Beautiful, huh?

And yes, over a year later, I still know that Ken and I got first prize. 

Someone pointed out it had been a year. Yes, it has. For good reasons that I won't go into. What I will go into is where I'm going. Except that I'm not sure.
I have discovered that Love is a very powerful thing. And that love means giving up a lot of things. But mostly, my right to be right all the time! I used to have a real determination in that regard. Now, being right - or shall we say being on the winning end isn't as important as building others up, esteeming them as better than myself, and not keeping myself in any wrong attitude.
So, where am I headed? I really don't know. And, I'm okay with that. I've found that walking with the Lord as He leads everyday is a much more peaceful place to be.
It is my nature, as a friend told me, to help others carry their burdens. Yes. It is. I want to help. I always want to help. I'm always offering ideas, suggestions. It's not always appreciated. There's another burden I put on myself. So, here I was, heaping all these added burdens on me; trying to help others carry theirs. God said, "Put them down." Basically, I have my own burdens to deal with, and I have to figure that out. HIS yoke is easy and His burden is light. I want my burden to be light, but it will only be that way if I yoke up with Him and let him co-carry it. I have a feeling it will (THEY will all) feel lighter when I figure out how to do that. But, I won't be able to figure out how heavy or light my burdens are until I put aside everyone else's. So, I have some real work to do.