being human

I do love my human frailties . . . at times. They help me balance the pride part. To explain . . .
I've broken my fast numerous times. This makes me mad. Very angry. At myself, for not being stronger; for not being willing to say, "no," and explain to people. I suppose I fear they may not understand. So, then I become disappointed in myself. And, I wonder how God feels about my failing Him.
Then, He shares His joy with me! He reassures me of His love. He lets me know that I belong to Him, and He wants me to know He is with me at all times.
The newest Big Daddy Weave song, "Love Come to Life" caught my attention with the first few lines. It was so appropriate for all I've been through lately.

I've been restless on the inside
Wondering about this heart of mine
I've been desperately trying to find
A way to prove that I'm still alive

I have sung that song's chorus as a prayer, and I believe it is coming to life in me these days!
Often, in the past before this interesting period in my life recently, I was a proud person who knew God loved me. The period of doubt ripped away a large covering of faith and exposed my worries about His plan for my life. It overrode my belief in a good and loving God. I felt like I was living in a corner of His basement; forgotten at times.
Yes, He never left me. He was always there. And, as I broke the fast again I somehow knew it. It wasn't the fast, but the focus of the fast.
I met Him again yesterday morning, as I always try to do, and His joy was full and pleasant. And, as I sang on the way to work, I knew that I had crossed back over the bridge of doubt and was enjoying His presence again.

Broken Fast

I broke the fast. Actually, I did it twice. I could say it wasn't my fault, but, I could have been strong. But, it was hubby's birthday! And, the other time, a co-worker brought breakfast in. I didn't want to hurt his feelings! Would God understand?
I felt as though I had made some breakthroughs, but something is still missing. The big one: that close-knit feeling I like to have with my Creator.
I've discovered that "without faith it is impossible to please God." And I've been reminded by Him that it only takes a mustard seed-size faith to move a mountain. Well, none of my breakthroughs are that big! So, I suppose I have enough faith.
But what about touching Him? Why does it seem like He's so far away? I ask. I seek. I knock. I feel like my knuckles are so sore!
Then, driving home after a storm had moved through, the sun broke through and the bright, white clouds were dazzling! I can't explain what I felt, but it was a new, clean feeling. Yes. The sun broke through. And I will, too! Perhaps the drought of faith I have been going through is to help me understand those who struggle with their faith. At least now, I know that I have enough faith to know that how I feel about God and my level of faith does not affect who He is, or what He does. He has my good at heart, and nothing less.