Being Like my Mom

It's not a bad thing! (Maureen, read this to the end.)
I read on Facebook, "Sometimes, when I open my mouth, my mother comes out." Well, for me. A lot of the times.
My mom's faith seems to be the strongest thing I mimic of hers. But, it's not hers; it is mine now. Eternal faith in God that everything will turn out just fine. That perfect optimism that, well, isn't so perfect.
I have wondered why my daughter dreads making decisions so much. It's hereditary. I don't like making decisions either. So, I put them off as long as I can. Yes, most of the time, they resolve themselves. Or, better yet, someone else (especially at work) comes up with a better idea than I had and I grab that one and run with it. I guess that's why I like working in teams; we can all look good. (I do not take other people's ideas and pass them off as my own. I just want that to be clear.)
But my mom is 86 years old, as I write this. She is clinging to that faith, and failing to make decisions. This lack of decision-making has her children in difficult situations.
She's being treated for leukemia in Canada with a drug that is causing severe osteoporosis. Her treatment here in the states did not have this effect, AND seemed to work miraculously with her body to combat this disease. But she had to be home with her husband. Now, after two broken and two cracked hips, she has one new one. Other problems are inhibiting her exercise to keep it strong, and it has slipped out twice.
So, to make a long story short: Mom lives in Canada most of the time, where her health deteriorates. She comes to visit us to be patched back together, so she can go home to fall apart again.
All the while, sister Barb is telling Linda, Patti and I, "Don't do this to your children! Plan ahead." Hmm. That means, making decisions.
Years ago, I was called to go visit my great aunt and uncle in Tucson when he had been hospitalized. They were far, far from her children (he had none) and they were trying to figure out what was going on. I was their eyes. And I saw two old people trying desperately to be independent; trying fiercely to hold on to their lives.
At what point do we have to give up a part of our lives, a part of our independence, to regain some freedom? At what point do we become a burden to our children?
I'm starting to think it is a short time in between bearing them and burdening them that we are called to really live. Have fun. Because when we start to become a burden, we do have to abandon some of the personal decisions we have come to treasure.
How can I say that? I'm not there yet. But, I'm seeing it. I'm seeing and feeling the frustration of our mom's declining health on me and my siblings. She doesn't seem to sense it at all. So, perhaps at some point in the future, I will have to read this and ask myself if my children are pulling their hair out.
I am convinced that my children will make good decisions for me, but, they will be compromised decisions, based upon what is good for them and what is good for me. Because that's what we want for mom. With our five brains, we've wrestled with many different plans/ideas/situations. Some of them stem from the fact that we are being inconvenienced by our mother. Many of them come from our concern for her health.
So. Do I let my children make decisions for me? Or, do I start making them now? But, what decisions can I make now?
Do I decide not to decide, and then try to pick one of the best options they might have for me? Will making decisions be easier then? I think not. So, how do I not be like my mom, and plan ahead?

Walk from the victory

Background: I have a straight neck, with bone spurs in it; and a compressed disc. This combination can lead to some debilitating headaches. I say they're worse than migraines. Well, I know they're at least as bad.
This morning, I was in pain.
So, today after church I went forward for prayer. I had planned to. Determined to. I was very pleased when two of my favorite intercessors stepped to my side of the sanctuary. I raced up to them as soon as Pastor Scott said goodbye.
Linda prayed for healing. And said I needed to let go of things. She asked me specifically if I saw anything. No. But, what came to mind was the efforts we had been making over the last couple months to find a condo for Christina to live in. Linda said she felt it was important for me to clothe myself in the armor of God. Se prayed that only God's darts would penetrate my shield of faith. She prayed for oil to come down over me. She also saw a sponge that was dry; that needed to be soaked again, to be flexible and useable.
I could totally feel that. I do feel dried up. Like I've been giving too much and not replenishing. Yeah. I know that. I love spending my time in devotionals and the Word in the morning. But probably doing it while I'm on the elliptical really doesn't count! Multi-tasking isn't what I should be doing when He's looking for time with me.
Do you ever feel so squeezed for time that you wind up justifying how you do your "quiet time?"
Then Kristy asked me if I had a daughter, and if she lived here. Yes, I said. Why? She asked if it had always been a good relationship. No. It was, and then wasn't; but it's pretty good right now and getting better. I figure that's what happens with a lot of mother/daughter relationships. Kristy sensed that it was a large part of the load I'm carrying, and is causing some of my pain. She also said it is the process and the relationship that is important; not the actual purchase. Kristy said I had many daughters and that God said I would have many more. 
Kristy said I needed to walk from the victory; it isn't coming, it already is. And I need to walk forward as if I am walking from the victory.

Have you ever fought a squirrel?

It's war. It's one intelligence against the other. And it feels as though the superior intelligence is not winning. The lesser may have minimal intelligence, but the ingenuity is amazing.
I'm not talking about mortal enemies. I'm not talking about artificial intelligence vs man. I'm talking about squirrels. They have become the nemesis my husband can't overcome. And, I have discovered, he is not the only one embroiled in this fight.
Dwight has pictures on his phone of the squirrels his wife has shot! Apparently, she's an excellent shot. Terry's husband can't get to his gun fast enough these days, because he's confined to a wheelchair; but that doesn't stop him from trying. Arline's husband fought the good fight for a whole season - we didn't get to the end of that story.
Ken is now on his third bird feeder. The first one was smashed to pieces when it hit the ground. It was supposed to be squirrel proof. Well, it wasn't when it was on the ground. We found it the next morning. We wondered how they could have done it. But, he hung a second one up that was not squirrel proof,  but did have smaller perches and a metal roof. They ate through the rope holding the whole contraption in place! Number three is in place now. The squirrels have been on it, we can tell. The doors that close automatically on this "squirrel-proof" one have been chewed on! They are persistent, for sure. I guess there's something we can learn from them.
Never give up! Never surrender! ??
They don't.
As we left for dancing last night, Ken asked, "is the birdfeeder still hanging?" Yes. Two seconds later, he asked, "Is the bird feeder still hanging?" Yes. A few seconds later, he asked, "what about now, is it still hanging?"
Perhaps it will be funny one day.
So it was, when Cristina and I visited the Wildflower Seed Farm near Fredericksburg a few weeks ago and I picked up a "squirrel feeder" in the gift store. "If you can't beat them, join them?" No, we didn't buy it. But, it was tempting.

When everything goes wrong

What a fun day Wednesday was! I got the tickets bought for our next trip to Sicily, and then Ken and I took off for Gruene to dance to The Georges, our favorite band. Four hours later, we headed home; happy and tired. We slept good that night.
The next morning, I noticed a message on the answering machine. From the airline company. Our credit card had been declined! I was ready to become frantic. I had shopped hard for a good deal and a good flight; I couldn't lose those tickets! So, as I walked out the door for the gym, armed with my laptop (not sure why I tucked it under my arm) and my bags for the day, Ken said he would call the credit card company and email me the info.
When I got to the gym, I tried to open the door with my key chain, instead of the gym fob they gave me. That made me feel pretty dumb! When I got on the treadmill, I found I still had my glasses on. (At that distance, I don't need them to read my iPad.) As I ran, my sweat rag fell off the machine, onto the floor. I knew I didn't want to use it after that.
As I pulled back the shower curtain, I realized I had forgotten my towel. I was thankful for the extra Nike Dri-Fit shirt that was in my gym bag. It really does soak up really well! As I searched for the spray gel, for my hair, I remembered pulling it out at home. Hmm. The hairstyle was going to be a little wild today! Then, when I finally got out to the car, I realized I hadn't packed the black shoes I needed for my outfit. I only had the white ones. Oh well.
I arrived at the office and the boss was trying to figure out how to print on 11x17 paper from the bypass tray. Ah! That was a task I had managed before with this (free, but very) user-UNfriendly copy machine. But, I still wound up calling the help desk, after I had him email me the file. His version was very blurry. It was a good thing I had my laptop with me, with the right software to handle the little task! Done before checking my email. Yes, Ken said all was straightened out.
Then, I called the airlines and convinced them to try the credit card again, since Ken's email said the card was good, as we suspected. No known reason for the decline, except to put us into a tizzy.
As I was scrambling to eat a quick breakfast, the volunteers for the day walked in and asked how I was doing. "Great!" I said. Why not? The day could only get better, and besides, if I got crabby about the morning it wouldn't make the people around me happy. They'd just try to avoid me, probably. But, I determined that I wasn't going to let these situations get me down. It might make me forgetful, but it wouldn't get me down.
There are too many wonderful things and people around me. But, mostly, I decided that God was going to work this out.
"Can circumstances possibly change, who I forever am in You?" Nope.

In-laws

I'm sitting on my front porch, enjoying a mango/berry smoothie, courtesy of my daughter-in-law, who left here nine months ago. How can that be? Well, I've finally been using things out of my freezer, and halfway down, I ran into the frozen bags of mango chucks and mixed berries she bought while she was visiting.
Naturally, as I enjoy it, I am thinking of her; praying for her; and thanking God for her. You never know where your blessings in life are going to come from. This one came into our lives in part due to our prayers, and in part due to Jon pursuing her! We are so glad he did.

She makes me think back to the precious mother-in-law that I had. She loved me, and she encouraged me, and she chastised me, lovingly. She stood up for her son, but acknowledged he wasn't perfect. And she loved her grandkids like any good grandma should. As I think about parts of her life, my heart aches for what she went through. I don't think folks understood things like depression back when she needed that understanding. So, she did the best she could to live up to Mrs. Cleavers' example. She had a husband who loved her, and supported everything she did with their three sons. And then a brain tumor stole him away. But she never stopped being that ideal that she felt was expected. Even when she received the medical report of her terminal condition, she was willing, and determined, to be the strong one.
As women, we look for others to emulate. I never thought I could do or be all that she was, and did. It just seemed like too much! But, she is one of those models that I always keep before me.
And that brings me back around to thinking about my daughter-in-law. April is everything I hope I was to my children, but I know I probably wasn't. I didn't give them the time she puts into my grandchildren. I didn't create spaces for them to be creative, like she does. I didn't pray for them nearly as much as she prays for hers. While I addressed my husband's basic needs when he came home from work, I didn't try to get into his areas of interest and join him there (until recently).
To say she is amazing seems almost superficial. But in truth she seems to be more than that. Her genuine sincerity makes everyone feel as though she is most concerned about them. Her unfailing trust in God comes out in the way she loves. And I know that love was instrumental in our grand-daughter making a profession of faith at age five. (And no, I don't think that's too young. Just ask her daddy, who did it at three.)
She confirms my faith in the Lord. I love sharing Him with her! 
April's fault? She tries to be and do everything for everyone, and that makes her late! She just can't seem to be on time, but it's because she is busy thinking about everyone else. And when she smiles, laughs and apologizes, how can you not forgive her? She was probably writing one of those darling Thank You notes to someone. Or on the phone with them, listening and encouraging. As I went through a spiritual wilderness around Christmas, and we were visiting them, I began crying one day. I was embarrassed, mad at myself, and I couldn't stop. She put her hand on mine and prayed for me! She didn't judge or condemn or question or criticize. She accepted me, and lifted me up to God. I have a few friends who might do that. I never imagined I would have a daughter-in-law who would, and who would also be so kind, thoughtful and gentle.
I don't know why God blessed our family with this woman. But, we all agree it was His doing. It's just too hard to imagine it happening by chance.
So, as I am reaching the bottom of my smoothie, I want to thank Jesus for all of my blessings. They all link together to create a beautiful mosaic of love in front, behind, and around me; and April is one of the most important links that helps remind me that all good things come from Him.

A blessing

Ken and I talked about the need to find out the kids' routine. We never imagined it might mean letting them streak through the house, naked, with only their baby towels on their heads and capes flying behind them! This is the after-bath game. And, watching Kairo attempt to run on his new-found legs brought me the delightful laughter that resounded in my soul.
In just a few days, Jon and April leave for Belgium for two weeks, and Ken and I will be in charge of our grandkids. Eva is closer to five than four-and-a-half. Kairo is almost18 months. Jon won the trip; Ken and I got first prize, though! (We'll see if I'm still thinking that way in a couple weeks.)

(I wrote the above paragraphs in October 2014.)
Today, I look back on that two weeks with teary-eyes and a gleaming happy soul. The wonder that my grandkids see in the world helps me to look anew at things every day. But, the warmth of their smiles, the delight of their giggles, and wonderful sound of hearing, "Grandma!!!" from across the room when I went to school to pick her up - they are all memories that will never fade. 
Then, there were other things:
I bought material and a pattern. I cut it out and sewed it together, so Eva could be Mary Poppins for Halloween. When she saw it she said, quite plainly and unemotionally, "I'm so excited to wear it." I thought she was being polite. A few days later, when her mom and dad pulled up in the driveway, having been gone for 14 whole days, she jumped up and down once. Then, she started wiggling her little arms. Then, she stopped. I discovered then that she plays her emotions very close to her heart and doesn't display them openly. So, when she was showing her mom and dad the Mary Poppins outfit and told them, "I'm so excited to wear it," I knew that she was actually jumping up and down inside. And that's exactly what my heart did. 
We got Kairo to go down the slide at the park. He was really enjoying it, while Eva was doing the twisty slide. Kairo climbed his way up to the top with Eva, and Pa. So Pa announced to me that he was going to put the boy on the slide. I waited at the bottom. He came to a stop with a shock on his face. Then, he burst into a smile. A huge smile. I took him over to the edge of the sandpit, and he pointed. Ah, the little man of few words. "Again?" I asked. "Again," he said. And so he did. Mr. Adventure. 

Gotta give her mom some credit. She did the hat. Beautiful, huh?

And yes, over a year later, I still know that Ken and I got first prize. 

Someone pointed out it had been a year. Yes, it has. For good reasons that I won't go into. What I will go into is where I'm going. Except that I'm not sure.
I have discovered that Love is a very powerful thing. And that love means giving up a lot of things. But mostly, my right to be right all the time! I used to have a real determination in that regard. Now, being right - or shall we say being on the winning end isn't as important as building others up, esteeming them as better than myself, and not keeping myself in any wrong attitude.
So, where am I headed? I really don't know. And, I'm okay with that. I've found that walking with the Lord as He leads everyday is a much more peaceful place to be.
It is my nature, as a friend told me, to help others carry their burdens. Yes. It is. I want to help. I always want to help. I'm always offering ideas, suggestions. It's not always appreciated. There's another burden I put on myself. So, here I was, heaping all these added burdens on me; trying to help others carry theirs. God said, "Put them down." Basically, I have my own burdens to deal with, and I have to figure that out. HIS yoke is easy and His burden is light. I want my burden to be light, but it will only be that way if I yoke up with Him and let him co-carry it. I have a feeling it will (THEY will all) feel lighter when I figure out how to do that. But, I won't be able to figure out how heavy or light my burdens are until I put aside everyone else's. So, I have some real work to do.

I actually wrote this over a year ago, and let it languish, unpublished. When I posted it, just now, it went under today's date. So, it's out of order. Sorry!

Okay. You might be wondering where I've been since February. But, if you look back, you can see I'm not a frequent blogger. But, still, you have the right to know why. The why is that I had written a cute post, and I couldn't figure out how to fit the picture in right where I wanted it. Other people seem to be able to do that. But, apparently, this detail of blogging is something I am not able to conquer. So, I decided that if you couldn't see the picture (of my darling granddaughter!), then, you didn't need to read about it. So there. I'll show blogger just how in charge I can be! Ha!

Then, my world kind of disintegrated. In many directions, and it felt like a million pieces. I had things coming at me. Things spewing out of me. Things wrenching me apart. Deadlines to meet. Hard drives crashing. 

I think that, having blogger (and its picture thing) out of my control is a small thing to get upset about, given that there are people all around me who are much more important. It sometimes surprises me how caught up I can get (maybe, we ALL can get) into putting things out there and placing such an importance on them. 

My nephew, years ago, corrected one of his aunts: "No, Aunt Barb, the most important thing is God." She then conceded that her coffee in the morning would then have to be the second most important thing.

Quite honestly, the fact that He is the most important thing in my life is what has gotten me through the rough spots; the down times; the doubting; the questioning. When it gets down to it all, I have to believe that God IS in control. Perhaps for sanity's sake, but mostly, to honor Him and what He has done and is doing in my life. Nothing surprises Him, so when I yell at Him, He's ready to listen. I told someone recently that I truly believe God's shoulders are big enough to handle when I yell at Him because I know His arms are strong enough to hug me and reassure me. If you're wondering about anything, trust Him. He will not fail. The best part is that He will never, ever forsake you, either. Through it all, He has held me together. All things are under His control. 

So, if I could just listen closely enough to get the directions on how to post pictures on blogger . . . .

Wait!

Purple. For promises.

As anyone, I struggle with things. But, I also find it easy, most of the time, to turn away from my struggles and trust that it is all going to work out. I do that easier than others that I know. I thought it was a quirk of my personality. I'm just now beginning to see that it may be my faith. Just plain faith. 
Sure, I've been praying about a couple of things for a long time. A really, long, time. Sometimes I get discouraged. Not necessarily for my sake, though. Mainly because I see others suffering.  Or, continuing to struggle, and OH! how I wish I could make it easier for them. But, I trust that they are  learning at their speed and in His timing. So, I have to stop trying to be the teacher, and just let Him do the guiding. 
It's kind of like I know how the movie ends. I have a nephew who, when he was younger, wanted his mom to see the movie first and tell him about it. That way he knew how it ended when he went to see it. 
Well, I don't know all the details, or the twists in the road. But, I know the end of the book. It all works out for good, for those who love God and are called by Him for His purposes. Yet, some folks struggle. Because they want to know more. Because they are worried about the path. Because they can't see what's happening. But, it isn't faith if we know. Faith requires some struggling to believe and to trust, and move forward even though we can't see. 
God has made promises that I choose to believe. I trust Him, and I smile. There is nothing I can do to effect change but allow Him His way in my life. I'm so thrilled with knowing the One who knows the outcome; Who has the end of the story already written! 
The Bible has many good promises about "waiting on the Lord." I am content to wait. 

being human

I do love my human frailties . . . at times. They help me balance the pride part. To explain . . .
I've broken my fast numerous times. This makes me mad. Very angry. At myself, for not being stronger; for not being willing to say, "no," and explain to people. I suppose I fear they may not understand. So, then I become disappointed in myself. And, I wonder how God feels about my failing Him.
Then, He shares His joy with me! He reassures me of His love. He lets me know that I belong to Him, and He wants me to know He is with me at all times.
The newest Big Daddy Weave song, "Love Come to Life" caught my attention with the first few lines. It was so appropriate for all I've been through lately.

I've been restless on the inside
Wondering about this heart of mine
I've been desperately trying to find
A way to prove that I'm still alive

I have sung that song's chorus as a prayer, and I believe it is coming to life in me these days!
Often, in the past before this interesting period in my life recently, I was a proud person who knew God loved me. The period of doubt ripped away a large covering of faith and exposed my worries about His plan for my life. It overrode my belief in a good and loving God. I felt like I was living in a corner of His basement; forgotten at times.
Yes, He never left me. He was always there. And, as I broke the fast again I somehow knew it. It wasn't the fast, but the focus of the fast.
I met Him again yesterday morning, as I always try to do, and His joy was full and pleasant. And, as I sang on the way to work, I knew that I had crossed back over the bridge of doubt and was enjoying His presence again.

Broken Fast

I broke the fast. Actually, I did it twice. I could say it wasn't my fault, but, I could have been strong. But, it was hubby's birthday! And, the other time, a co-worker brought breakfast in. I didn't want to hurt his feelings! Would God understand?
I felt as though I had made some breakthroughs, but something is still missing. The big one: that close-knit feeling I like to have with my Creator.
I've discovered that "without faith it is impossible to please God." And I've been reminded by Him that it only takes a mustard seed-size faith to move a mountain. Well, none of my breakthroughs are that big! So, I suppose I have enough faith.
But what about touching Him? Why does it seem like He's so far away? I ask. I seek. I knock. I feel like my knuckles are so sore!
Then, driving home after a storm had moved through, the sun broke through and the bright, white clouds were dazzling! I can't explain what I felt, but it was a new, clean feeling. Yes. The sun broke through. And I will, too! Perhaps the drought of faith I have been going through is to help me understand those who struggle with their faith. At least now, I know that I have enough faith to know that how I feel about God and my level of faith does not affect who He is, or what He does. He has my good at heart, and nothing less.

A Fast

So, our church is going through a time of transition and has suggested members consider a fast. It can be for a while; for one day; for a specific purpose; whatever. As I considered this, and my long list of needs as well as my schedule for the next week, I thought this could be overwhelming. But then I reconsidered the scripture Pastor Scott used today. Isa. 26:12-14, about the gods that end up overwhelming us.
On the way home, I realized - again, duh - that I have not been really living my favorite verse. 1 Co. 10:31 says, "Whether then you EAT or drink, or whatever you do; do all to the glory of God." (Emphasis mine.) How can I glorify God when I'm eating?
Well, I know what grabs my attention when the little pangs of hunger hit. And I know that even if I'm distracted, I reach for a quick snack. Those are the little gods that have overwhelmed me.
So, I will stay away from those distractions, those little gods, and place my attention on the God who has delivered, and will deliver me, from . . . me?

U R or B

I am amazed at how simply uncomplicated worship can be. And yet, it doesn't surprise me, either. Last fall, as I searched for the perfect words to tell Him who He is to me, I stopped after, 'You are.' And I realized, He is. So, You are declares all I need to tell Him. He is my strength, my guide, my savior, my friend. He is my goal, my peace, my planner, my purpose. He is my Lord, my wisdom, my comfort, my healer. So, He is. Therefore, saying 'You are,' seemed to suffice. He is my all in all. So, in that space, during worship, where only He and I exist, those were my words, and then I seemed content to rest in His presence; to listen.
Until Sunday. I asked Him to work His way, His plan. To do what He should do, if indeed I left my life for Him to run without interference. (yeah, I know, like that will happen in THIS human life! But, bear with me.) as I communes with Him, seeking the words to asking Him to have His way in my life, I realized I wanted my God to BE. Be Who 'You are.' because in Your perfect existence you will BE exactly who I need You to BE at any given nano-second. Perhaps that is too simple. To just ask God to BE. But that perfection, coming into my life can only help me to be. Be a better person for Him, and to others. Be listening to His voice. Be understanding of the incidents of my life, and how they fit into His plan.
Yes, to praise my Lord today, I tell Him to 'be.'
"Since You are my everything; be my everything." He can be everything I need in this world, and in my life afterward, if I will let Him.
Worship can be simple, when we see Him for all He is, and is willing to be. Whether we use many words, or just one or two, it is simple communication with Him that His heart desires. He will BE when we approach Him, as He is.

It's eating my lunch!

Lunch is. Not on a daily basis, but every week! I've been trying to figure out the whole issue of providing lunch on a weekly basis for 20 different people with varying likes and dislikes, and dietary requirements. It just isn't easy. It's eating my lunch! Seriously. I feel like I'm spending an inordinate amount of time on this, and not on, well, you know, "presidential" things that might be really important to my Rotary Club, and even to the community.

Food might be a strange thing to blog about, but I am more consumed by it than I am consuming it these days! And, daily, as a Food Pantry manager, I think about it at work. So, should I get contemplative about this whole subject?

Motorcyclists ask if you ride to eat or eat to ride. My daddy used to ask us if we lived to eat, or ate to live. When you think of it that way, it gives a better perspective to the subject. Food isn't what it is all about. Living is what life is all about. Food is sustenance, energy, provision for getting things done in life. (Yes, I know you can still enjoy the food along the way. That's not where I'm going.) It shouldn't be a focus. But, it is. And with 40% of Texas schoolchildren food insecure, it must become a focus for someone. A concern.

I suppose this is bringing me back to one of my favorite Scriptures. One that I wish I would focus on much more often. "Whether then you eat, or drink, or whatever you do; do it all to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31.

A Sabbath's Rest

There's something to be said for resting. Really resting. As well as talking some things out.
I don't have much planned for this weekend, but last weekend, I said, "no," to nearly everything. I told everyone I just needed a weekend of nothing; no doing; no dates; nothing. I was telling my boss, before that weekend, how much I knew I needed it. He acknowledged that we had been going 100 mph for weeks with extra projects; BESIDES doing our regular jobs. That got me to believing I was just plain exhausted.
After last weekend's rest, I felt normal. The best part of that is proving God right. He told us to take a day off every week, because we need the rest. Somewhere, I read about a study that proved that the human body needs a day of rest. I believe I'll try to take that a little more seriously.
This week was so much better for me, as well as all of those around me! I was able to look at all the things happening around me and enjoy them, or laugh at them.
No, I'm not sinking into that pit. I'm just going to have to remember that exhaustion can cause extra worries. Spending time in a good fruitful book, listening to some great music and not trying to get caught up on anything are good antidotes to weariness and the threat of depression.

Been there; done that.

Yeah. Been there; done that. Don't want to do it again. But I realized tonight that it snuck up on me. I avoided it a couple times in the last couple years. I could smell it, sorta. Something. Then, tonight, there it was.
I feel like I'm teetering on the abyss of depression again. I don't know why. I have a job I enjoy. It's tough, but it's important and I get to help people. I have a great husband; great kids. Oh, I could list so many things.
So, they would probably say we have to diagnose the situation. Quite honestly, I think I might not be busy enough. As much as I am enjoying not having homework, I think there is a part of my brain that is ashamed (?) or feeling useless because it's just not working as hard as it has been for almost three years.
I've been enjoying my weekends, and feeling guilty about it. I thought maybe it was because of my job. But, maybe it's because of my now-lazy brain!
We went on a HOG dinner ride to Clear Springs for catfish and onion rings. Then over to the Phoenix Saloon for bike night. Met some dancing friends there. Beautiful ride home, with the Big Dipper out in front of us. Gorgeous. And I was feeling guilty; or I was worried there was something else I should be doing. Something is bothering me; it's like a little cloud hanging around.
So, I'm on a quest to identify it and run as fast as I can as far away from it as I can. Since I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me, and I truly know that the joy of the Lord is my strength, I really do know exactly where to start. Psalm 91 is a good one for my son while he's on assignment; but it's also a good one for my mind, so I'll start there. And head on into some mind-strengthening exercises in Matthew, I think.
God is good; all the time - and especially when I need him.

"You had me at 'hello.'"

Yea. It was one of those moments. Kinda.
Pastor Scott was saying how "being a part of people's whole lives, I mean their WHOLE lives - from their wedding, to the birth of a child, to burying a parent. Being a part of all of that is . . . " (I'm thinking , yea, it's a burden; and a lot of work, and . . . ) "well, it's a blessing." Well, no Scott, that wasn't really the word I was looking for. But he started his message that way, so I had to listen on.
So much of it scored my heart. It resounded in my being, until I leaked. Yes, tears ran down my face. It's hard to care, really. But, you have to care, really.
So, here's what I have come to, after a nice motorcycle ride home: For certain, caring is a deep thing and you can't do it without love, and you can't love without being loved by God. When you know that love, you have the strength to care as you should, because it is not of yourself that you love and care.
Now, going back to Scott's message about the sheep. Yea, we pretty much all know how stupid they are. We've heard the stories, and sometimes it isn't very encouraging to be compared to them. Which is why, I guess, we all need love so desperately. God loves that one sheep that goes astray - and most of the time they don't go astray on purpose. Like Scott said, "they nibble themselves astray," and can't find their way back. So they freeze in fright, and they cry out. And the shepherd comes, and carries them home.
Well, my shoulders had gotten so sore. My arms tired. And, the sheep keep going astray.
I want to care, but sometimes my grace storage facility seems to run dry. Maybe I should think of it as not having a bottom; or, not knowing where the bottom is. (Kind of like the Edwards Aquifer, maybe?)
When I run out, out of the depths of me, I begin to see just how big my God is. Or, better still, just how deep He is.
Later, Scott told me that I could put the sheep down. They aren't mine. Because I am not the shepherd. God is.
Knowing how shoulders can get sore, I suppose my goal will be not to get lost or go astray. I don't need to make Him come looking for me!

At the Bedside of a Warrior

He smiled and greeted me, though I'd only met him once before. He visited his mom last summer, came to church with her and sang us a song. Then, he was off for Iraq. I prayed for him every day. Him and Shaun and Rob, and now Timo – as well as all the others in harm's way.

As his friends left, his mom called, and she reminded him of who I was. She had to be a Grandma because his wife had come down with a nasty intestinal virus. He confided in her that he was having trouble with anxiety today, and they discussed the possibility of it being connected to the medications he was on. They prayed together. I held his hand. The one that was at the end of the wounded arm. The hand was cool to the touch. But his eyes were brown, and bright.

He told me he didn't know how to explain it. I said that was okay. I told my own story of an emotional moment that helped me understand that he couldn't find the words. My story communicated the frustration he was feeling. Perhaps mostly it talked about the lack of control. And, having been the captain of the largest platoon in his company, he would have a certain feeling for control.

Anyway, he seemed to relax. A little. Then he leaned his head back and cried out, "Jesus, Jesus, Jesus." I remembered him singing at church, and I sang out loud, "Sweetest name I know." On the next line, he joined in. We finished the chorus and went into the first verse. He couldn't finish it. "Fear not I am with thee, Peace, be still, in all of life's ebb and flow."

His life was ebbing; it was flowing. He didn't fear, but he had been in the valley of the shadow of death, and was walking away from it still. He had been within 15 feet of a mortar going off in a building on base. Shrapnel blew a big hole in his arm. It tore into some muscles in his opposite leg. It put two small holes in his neck. It put a nifty scratch on his chin that's going to be better than Harrison Ford's. We all have to ask, "How did it miss his body?" Only the love of God, reaching down to shield a man surrounded by a cloud of prayer. Who is this man?

He couldn't finish the song. He laid his head back on his pillow and cried while I sang that verse. Then we sang another hymn. And another. No one came in the room. No one but Jesus joined our praise session. He prayed out loud, thanking God for being able to see the changing of the colors. He thanked Him for being able to smell the blooming of spring. He thanked Him for the sun that bakes the ground in the summer. He thanked Him for his lovely wife, and two wonderful sons that were such blessings to him. He thanked Him for the people that had been praying for him. I thanked God that He has promised that His joy would be our strength, and that he had made that strength so evident in this warrior, who sang, "Jesus Loves Me," in the ambulance ride after the blast. I thanked God for the many more like him, who are willing to serve, without question, for something higher than themselves. I thanked Him that He had promised never to leave us, nor give us more than we could handle with Him at our side.

We sat in quiet. Then we talked about kids. And motorcycles. And facts. We live by faith, not by feeling. Our faith is a fact. Another fact was that although he felt he couldn't get a deep breath, he still had 100 percent oxygen saturation in his blood. The fact was, he was breathing just fine. We talked about Sonic, and he is looking forward to the day he can drive through and place his own order.

I told him I would leave, if he needed to be alone, and it wouldn't hurt my feelings. I told him, also, that I could stay because I had no commitments. He said he would like me to stay. I held his cool hand, as he pulled the covers up to his neck. I refilled his water bottle. I turned the table fan for him. I suggested pizza for dinner and he said that sounded good. The doctors and nurses made their appointed rounds, and made some changes in his meds.

He told me later that he had wondered what I might do when he really started getting anxious. He didn't know if I would think he was going crazy. I think he worried I might turn and run. But we can't run from our appointed duties. It was a pleasure. It was a blessing. It was an honor, to have been called by God to serve as His hands and feet that afternoon, and to hold the hand of a wounded warrior.

I'm caught in a struggle. I'm going up and down. I'm filled with happiness and then filled with sorrow. I think this is called "life," but it is something I haven't really faced so clearly before.

I've faced death before. I've given birth. I marvel at both.

Right now, I can delight in life as I watch my one-year-old granddaughter explore it and enjoy it and marvel at it herself. The excitement she exudes when she tries or does something for the first time can be exhilarating. I'm on top of the world as I watch her. Then my mind wanders, and I come crashing to earth.

My cousin lies, on life support, in ICU, and my heart jumps back to our many discussions about God and heaven. He has determined that God bases your entry on whether you tried to live a good life; the old "balance in the skies" method. I have determined the Jesus Christ is the only promised entry ticket. Our discussions were many. His decision: concrete. There was no budging him.

What if I am wrong? Well, I suppose I'll see a lot of people that I never thought I would see. I will experience more of that adventure "high" as if I'm meeting them, again, for the very first time.

What if he is wrong? That's why I fluctuate so wildly. Yes, he is suffering now. But how do I feel about sending him to eternal torment? Is his final decision his FINAL decision? Would he give it more thought if he beat this pneumonia and the COPD and woke up?

So, here I ponder: between birth and death. That "dash" we call "life." I love it. I enjoy it. I praise God for it, even when it takes a bad turn for me. Because I trust Him to fix it, or make it work out right.

Statistics and a grandbaby

How do you mix and balance the two? I have to pass the stats class, cuz it's required. And I can't not spend time with granddaughter Evalynn when she's here! So far, I think I've done okay getting the homework done while also getting my smiles and giggles in. She is so very precious! I know, everyone says that of their grandkids. But this one is delightful, happy, and flexible. She just doesn't get upset very easily, and seems to adapt so well.

This is my last semester before graduating. One more correspondence Sociology class to complete the requirement and I'll graduate in May. I keep thinking, "Then what?" I'm not really sure at this point, so, rather than making a commitment, I'll leave it at that.