In-laws

I'm sitting on my front porch, enjoying a mango/berry smoothie, courtesy of my daughter-in-law, who left here nine months ago. How can that be? Well, I've finally been using things out of my freezer, and halfway down, I ran into the frozen bags of mango chucks and mixed berries she bought while she was visiting.
Naturally, as I enjoy it, I am thinking of her; praying for her; and thanking God for her. You never know where your blessings in life are going to come from. This one came into our lives in part due to our prayers, and in part due to Jon pursuing her! We are so glad he did.

She makes me think back to the precious mother-in-law that I had. She loved me, and she encouraged me, and she chastised me, lovingly. She stood up for her son, but acknowledged he wasn't perfect. And she loved her grandkids like any good grandma should. As I think about parts of her life, my heart aches for what she went through. I don't think folks understood things like depression back when she needed that understanding. So, she did the best she could to live up to Mrs. Cleavers' example. She had a husband who loved her, and supported everything she did with their three sons. And then a brain tumor stole him away. But she never stopped being that ideal that she felt was expected. Even when she received the medical report of her terminal condition, she was willing, and determined, to be the strong one.
As women, we look for others to emulate. I never thought I could do or be all that she was, and did. It just seemed like too much! But, she is one of those models that I always keep before me.
And that brings me back around to thinking about my daughter-in-law. April is everything I hope I was to my children, but I know I probably wasn't. I didn't give them the time she puts into my grandchildren. I didn't create spaces for them to be creative, like she does. I didn't pray for them nearly as much as she prays for hers. While I addressed my husband's basic needs when he came home from work, I didn't try to get into his areas of interest and join him there (until recently).
To say she is amazing seems almost superficial. But in truth she seems to be more than that. Her genuine sincerity makes everyone feel as though she is most concerned about them. Her unfailing trust in God comes out in the way she loves. And I know that love was instrumental in our grand-daughter making a profession of faith at age five. (And no, I don't think that's too young. Just ask her daddy, who did it at three.)
She confirms my faith in the Lord. I love sharing Him with her! 
April's fault? She tries to be and do everything for everyone, and that makes her late! She just can't seem to be on time, but it's because she is busy thinking about everyone else. And when she smiles, laughs and apologizes, how can you not forgive her? She was probably writing one of those darling Thank You notes to someone. Or on the phone with them, listening and encouraging. As I went through a spiritual wilderness around Christmas, and we were visiting them, I began crying one day. I was embarrassed, mad at myself, and I couldn't stop. She put her hand on mine and prayed for me! She didn't judge or condemn or question or criticize. She accepted me, and lifted me up to God. I have a few friends who might do that. I never imagined I would have a daughter-in-law who would, and who would also be so kind, thoughtful and gentle.
I don't know why God blessed our family with this woman. But, we all agree it was His doing. It's just too hard to imagine it happening by chance.
So, as I am reaching the bottom of my smoothie, I want to thank Jesus for all of my blessings. They all link together to create a beautiful mosaic of love in front, behind, and around me; and April is one of the most important links that helps remind me that all good things come from Him.

A blessing

Ken and I talked about the need to find out the kids' routine. We never imagined it might mean letting them streak through the house, naked, with only their baby towels on their heads and capes flying behind them! This is the after-bath game. And, watching Kairo attempt to run on his new-found legs brought me the delightful laughter that resounded in my soul.
In just a few days, Jon and April leave for Belgium for two weeks, and Ken and I will be in charge of our grandkids. Eva is closer to five than four-and-a-half. Kairo is almost18 months. Jon won the trip; Ken and I got first prize, though! (We'll see if I'm still thinking that way in a couple weeks.)

(I wrote the above paragraphs in October 2014.)
Today, I look back on that two weeks with teary-eyes and a gleaming happy soul. The wonder that my grandkids see in the world helps me to look anew at things every day. But, the warmth of their smiles, the delight of their giggles, and wonderful sound of hearing, "Grandma!!!" from across the room when I went to school to pick her up - they are all memories that will never fade. 
Then, there were other things:
I bought material and a pattern. I cut it out and sewed it together, so Eva could be Mary Poppins for Halloween. When she saw it she said, quite plainly and unemotionally, "I'm so excited to wear it." I thought she was being polite. A few days later, when her mom and dad pulled up in the driveway, having been gone for 14 whole days, she jumped up and down once. Then, she started wiggling her little arms. Then, she stopped. I discovered then that she plays her emotions very close to her heart and doesn't display them openly. So, when she was showing her mom and dad the Mary Poppins outfit and told them, "I'm so excited to wear it," I knew that she was actually jumping up and down inside. And that's exactly what my heart did. 
We got Kairo to go down the slide at the park. He was really enjoying it, while Eva was doing the twisty slide. Kairo climbed his way up to the top with Eva, and Pa. So Pa announced to me that he was going to put the boy on the slide. I waited at the bottom. He came to a stop with a shock on his face. Then, he burst into a smile. A huge smile. I took him over to the edge of the sandpit, and he pointed. Ah, the little man of few words. "Again?" I asked. "Again," he said. And so he did. Mr. Adventure. 

Gotta give her mom some credit. She did the hat. Beautiful, huh?

And yes, over a year later, I still know that Ken and I got first prize. 

Someone pointed out it had been a year. Yes, it has. For good reasons that I won't go into. What I will go into is where I'm going. Except that I'm not sure.
I have discovered that Love is a very powerful thing. And that love means giving up a lot of things. But mostly, my right to be right all the time! I used to have a real determination in that regard. Now, being right - or shall we say being on the winning end isn't as important as building others up, esteeming them as better than myself, and not keeping myself in any wrong attitude.
So, where am I headed? I really don't know. And, I'm okay with that. I've found that walking with the Lord as He leads everyday is a much more peaceful place to be.
It is my nature, as a friend told me, to help others carry their burdens. Yes. It is. I want to help. I always want to help. I'm always offering ideas, suggestions. It's not always appreciated. There's another burden I put on myself. So, here I was, heaping all these added burdens on me; trying to help others carry theirs. God said, "Put them down." Basically, I have my own burdens to deal with, and I have to figure that out. HIS yoke is easy and His burden is light. I want my burden to be light, but it will only be that way if I yoke up with Him and let him co-carry it. I have a feeling it will (THEY will all) feel lighter when I figure out how to do that. But, I won't be able to figure out how heavy or light my burdens are until I put aside everyone else's. So, I have some real work to do.

I actually wrote this over a year ago, and let it languish, unpublished. When I posted it, just now, it went under today's date. So, it's out of order. Sorry!

Okay. You might be wondering where I've been since February. But, if you look back, you can see I'm not a frequent blogger. But, still, you have the right to know why. The why is that I had written a cute post, and I couldn't figure out how to fit the picture in right where I wanted it. Other people seem to be able to do that. But, apparently, this detail of blogging is something I am not able to conquer. So, I decided that if you couldn't see the picture (of my darling granddaughter!), then, you didn't need to read about it. So there. I'll show blogger just how in charge I can be! Ha!

Then, my world kind of disintegrated. In many directions, and it felt like a million pieces. I had things coming at me. Things spewing out of me. Things wrenching me apart. Deadlines to meet. Hard drives crashing. 

I think that, having blogger (and its picture thing) out of my control is a small thing to get upset about, given that there are people all around me who are much more important. It sometimes surprises me how caught up I can get (maybe, we ALL can get) into putting things out there and placing such an importance on them. 

My nephew, years ago, corrected one of his aunts: "No, Aunt Barb, the most important thing is God." She then conceded that her coffee in the morning would then have to be the second most important thing.

Quite honestly, the fact that He is the most important thing in my life is what has gotten me through the rough spots; the down times; the doubting; the questioning. When it gets down to it all, I have to believe that God IS in control. Perhaps for sanity's sake, but mostly, to honor Him and what He has done and is doing in my life. Nothing surprises Him, so when I yell at Him, He's ready to listen. I told someone recently that I truly believe God's shoulders are big enough to handle when I yell at Him because I know His arms are strong enough to hug me and reassure me. If you're wondering about anything, trust Him. He will not fail. The best part is that He will never, ever forsake you, either. Through it all, He has held me together. All things are under His control. 

So, if I could just listen closely enough to get the directions on how to post pictures on blogger . . . .

Wait!

Purple. For promises.

As anyone, I struggle with things. But, I also find it easy, most of the time, to turn away from my struggles and trust that it is all going to work out. I do that easier than others that I know. I thought it was a quirk of my personality. I'm just now beginning to see that it may be my faith. Just plain faith. 
Sure, I've been praying about a couple of things for a long time. A really, long, time. Sometimes I get discouraged. Not necessarily for my sake, though. Mainly because I see others suffering.  Or, continuing to struggle, and OH! how I wish I could make it easier for them. But, I trust that they are  learning at their speed and in His timing. So, I have to stop trying to be the teacher, and just let Him do the guiding. 
It's kind of like I know how the movie ends. I have a nephew who, when he was younger, wanted his mom to see the movie first and tell him about it. That way he knew how it ended when he went to see it. 
Well, I don't know all the details, or the twists in the road. But, I know the end of the book. It all works out for good, for those who love God and are called by Him for His purposes. Yet, some folks struggle. Because they want to know more. Because they are worried about the path. Because they can't see what's happening. But, it isn't faith if we know. Faith requires some struggling to believe and to trust, and move forward even though we can't see. 
God has made promises that I choose to believe. I trust Him, and I smile. There is nothing I can do to effect change but allow Him His way in my life. I'm so thrilled with knowing the One who knows the outcome; Who has the end of the story already written! 
The Bible has many good promises about "waiting on the Lord." I am content to wait. 

being human

I do love my human frailties . . . at times. They help me balance the pride part. To explain . . .
I've broken my fast numerous times. This makes me mad. Very angry. At myself, for not being stronger; for not being willing to say, "no," and explain to people. I suppose I fear they may not understand. So, then I become disappointed in myself. And, I wonder how God feels about my failing Him.
Then, He shares His joy with me! He reassures me of His love. He lets me know that I belong to Him, and He wants me to know He is with me at all times.
The newest Big Daddy Weave song, "Love Come to Life" caught my attention with the first few lines. It was so appropriate for all I've been through lately.

I've been restless on the inside
Wondering about this heart of mine
I've been desperately trying to find
A way to prove that I'm still alive

I have sung that song's chorus as a prayer, and I believe it is coming to life in me these days!
Often, in the past before this interesting period in my life recently, I was a proud person who knew God loved me. The period of doubt ripped away a large covering of faith and exposed my worries about His plan for my life. It overrode my belief in a good and loving God. I felt like I was living in a corner of His basement; forgotten at times.
Yes, He never left me. He was always there. And, as I broke the fast again I somehow knew it. It wasn't the fast, but the focus of the fast.
I met Him again yesterday morning, as I always try to do, and His joy was full and pleasant. And, as I sang on the way to work, I knew that I had crossed back over the bridge of doubt and was enjoying His presence again.

Broken Fast

I broke the fast. Actually, I did it twice. I could say it wasn't my fault, but, I could have been strong. But, it was hubby's birthday! And, the other time, a co-worker brought breakfast in. I didn't want to hurt his feelings! Would God understand?
I felt as though I had made some breakthroughs, but something is still missing. The big one: that close-knit feeling I like to have with my Creator.
I've discovered that "without faith it is impossible to please God." And I've been reminded by Him that it only takes a mustard seed-size faith to move a mountain. Well, none of my breakthroughs are that big! So, I suppose I have enough faith.
But what about touching Him? Why does it seem like He's so far away? I ask. I seek. I knock. I feel like my knuckles are so sore!
Then, driving home after a storm had moved through, the sun broke through and the bright, white clouds were dazzling! I can't explain what I felt, but it was a new, clean feeling. Yes. The sun broke through. And I will, too! Perhaps the drought of faith I have been going through is to help me understand those who struggle with their faith. At least now, I know that I have enough faith to know that how I feel about God and my level of faith does not affect who He is, or what He does. He has my good at heart, and nothing less.