I actually wrote this over a year ago, and let it languish, unpublished. When I posted it, just now, it went under today's date. So, it's out of order. Sorry!

Okay. You might be wondering where I've been since February. But, if you look back, you can see I'm not a frequent blogger. But, still, you have the right to know why. The why is that I had written a cute post, and I couldn't figure out how to fit the picture in right where I wanted it. Other people seem to be able to do that. But, apparently, this detail of blogging is something I am not able to conquer. So, I decided that if you couldn't see the picture (of my darling granddaughter!), then, you didn't need to read about it. So there. I'll show blogger just how in charge I can be! Ha!

Then, my world kind of disintegrated. In many directions, and it felt like a million pieces. I had things coming at me. Things spewing out of me. Things wrenching me apart. Deadlines to meet. Hard drives crashing. 

I think that, having blogger (and its picture thing) out of my control is a small thing to get upset about, given that there are people all around me who are much more important. It sometimes surprises me how caught up I can get (maybe, we ALL can get) into putting things out there and placing such an importance on them. 

My nephew, years ago, corrected one of his aunts: "No, Aunt Barb, the most important thing is God." She then conceded that her coffee in the morning would then have to be the second most important thing.

Quite honestly, the fact that He is the most important thing in my life is what has gotten me through the rough spots; the down times; the doubting; the questioning. When it gets down to it all, I have to believe that God IS in control. Perhaps for sanity's sake, but mostly, to honor Him and what He has done and is doing in my life. Nothing surprises Him, so when I yell at Him, He's ready to listen. I told someone recently that I truly believe God's shoulders are big enough to handle when I yell at Him because I know His arms are strong enough to hug me and reassure me. If you're wondering about anything, trust Him. He will not fail. The best part is that He will never, ever forsake you, either. Through it all, He has held me together. All things are under His control. 

So, if I could just listen closely enough to get the directions on how to post pictures on blogger . . . .

Wait!

Purple. For promises.

As anyone, I struggle with things. But, I also find it easy, most of the time, to turn away from my struggles and trust that it is all going to work out. I do that easier than others that I know. I thought it was a quirk of my personality. I'm just now beginning to see that it may be my faith. Just plain faith. 
Sure, I've been praying about a couple of things for a long time. A really, long, time. Sometimes I get discouraged. Not necessarily for my sake, though. Mainly because I see others suffering.  Or, continuing to struggle, and OH! how I wish I could make it easier for them. But, I trust that they are  learning at their speed and in His timing. So, I have to stop trying to be the teacher, and just let Him do the guiding. 
It's kind of like I know how the movie ends. I have a nephew who, when he was younger, wanted his mom to see the movie first and tell him about it. That way he knew how it ended when he went to see it. 
Well, I don't know all the details, or the twists in the road. But, I know the end of the book. It all works out for good, for those who love God and are called by Him for His purposes. Yet, some folks struggle. Because they want to know more. Because they are worried about the path. Because they can't see what's happening. But, it isn't faith if we know. Faith requires some struggling to believe and to trust, and move forward even though we can't see. 
God has made promises that I choose to believe. I trust Him, and I smile. There is nothing I can do to effect change but allow Him His way in my life. I'm so thrilled with knowing the One who knows the outcome; Who has the end of the story already written! 
The Bible has many good promises about "waiting on the Lord." I am content to wait. 

being human

I do love my human frailties . . . at times. They help me balance the pride part. To explain . . .
I've broken my fast numerous times. This makes me mad. Very angry. At myself, for not being stronger; for not being willing to say, "no," and explain to people. I suppose I fear they may not understand. So, then I become disappointed in myself. And, I wonder how God feels about my failing Him.
Then, He shares His joy with me! He reassures me of His love. He lets me know that I belong to Him, and He wants me to know He is with me at all times.
The newest Big Daddy Weave song, "Love Come to Life" caught my attention with the first few lines. It was so appropriate for all I've been through lately.

I've been restless on the inside
Wondering about this heart of mine
I've been desperately trying to find
A way to prove that I'm still alive

I have sung that song's chorus as a prayer, and I believe it is coming to life in me these days!
Often, in the past before this interesting period in my life recently, I was a proud person who knew God loved me. The period of doubt ripped away a large covering of faith and exposed my worries about His plan for my life. It overrode my belief in a good and loving God. I felt like I was living in a corner of His basement; forgotten at times.
Yes, He never left me. He was always there. And, as I broke the fast again I somehow knew it. It wasn't the fast, but the focus of the fast.
I met Him again yesterday morning, as I always try to do, and His joy was full and pleasant. And, as I sang on the way to work, I knew that I had crossed back over the bridge of doubt and was enjoying His presence again.

Broken Fast

I broke the fast. Actually, I did it twice. I could say it wasn't my fault, but, I could have been strong. But, it was hubby's birthday! And, the other time, a co-worker brought breakfast in. I didn't want to hurt his feelings! Would God understand?
I felt as though I had made some breakthroughs, but something is still missing. The big one: that close-knit feeling I like to have with my Creator.
I've discovered that "without faith it is impossible to please God." And I've been reminded by Him that it only takes a mustard seed-size faith to move a mountain. Well, none of my breakthroughs are that big! So, I suppose I have enough faith.
But what about touching Him? Why does it seem like He's so far away? I ask. I seek. I knock. I feel like my knuckles are so sore!
Then, driving home after a storm had moved through, the sun broke through and the bright, white clouds were dazzling! I can't explain what I felt, but it was a new, clean feeling. Yes. The sun broke through. And I will, too! Perhaps the drought of faith I have been going through is to help me understand those who struggle with their faith. At least now, I know that I have enough faith to know that how I feel about God and my level of faith does not affect who He is, or what He does. He has my good at heart, and nothing less.

A Fast

So, our church is going through a time of transition and has suggested members consider a fast. It can be for a while; for one day; for a specific purpose; whatever. As I considered this, and my long list of needs as well as my schedule for the next week, I thought this could be overwhelming. But then I reconsidered the scripture Pastor Scott used today. Isa. 26:12-14, about the gods that end up overwhelming us.
On the way home, I realized - again, duh - that I have not been really living my favorite verse. 1 Co. 10:31 says, "Whether then you EAT or drink, or whatever you do; do all to the glory of God." (Emphasis mine.) How can I glorify God when I'm eating?
Well, I know what grabs my attention when the little pangs of hunger hit. And I know that even if I'm distracted, I reach for a quick snack. Those are the little gods that have overwhelmed me.
So, I will stay away from those distractions, those little gods, and place my attention on the God who has delivered, and will deliver me, from . . . me?

U R or B

I am amazed at how simply uncomplicated worship can be. And yet, it doesn't surprise me, either. Last fall, as I searched for the perfect words to tell Him who He is to me, I stopped after, 'You are.' And I realized, He is. So, You are declares all I need to tell Him. He is my strength, my guide, my savior, my friend. He is my goal, my peace, my planner, my purpose. He is my Lord, my wisdom, my comfort, my healer. So, He is. Therefore, saying 'You are,' seemed to suffice. He is my all in all. So, in that space, during worship, where only He and I exist, those were my words, and then I seemed content to rest in His presence; to listen.
Until Sunday. I asked Him to work His way, His plan. To do what He should do, if indeed I left my life for Him to run without interference. (yeah, I know, like that will happen in THIS human life! But, bear with me.) as I communes with Him, seeking the words to asking Him to have His way in my life, I realized I wanted my God to BE. Be Who 'You are.' because in Your perfect existence you will BE exactly who I need You to BE at any given nano-second. Perhaps that is too simple. To just ask God to BE. But that perfection, coming into my life can only help me to be. Be a better person for Him, and to others. Be listening to His voice. Be understanding of the incidents of my life, and how they fit into His plan.
Yes, to praise my Lord today, I tell Him to 'be.'
"Since You are my everything; be my everything." He can be everything I need in this world, and in my life afterward, if I will let Him.
Worship can be simple, when we see Him for all He is, and is willing to be. Whether we use many words, or just one or two, it is simple communication with Him that His heart desires. He will BE when we approach Him, as He is.

It's eating my lunch!

Lunch is. Not on a daily basis, but every week! I've been trying to figure out the whole issue of providing lunch on a weekly basis for 20 different people with varying likes and dislikes, and dietary requirements. It just isn't easy. It's eating my lunch! Seriously. I feel like I'm spending an inordinate amount of time on this, and not on, well, you know, "presidential" things that might be really important to my Rotary Club, and even to the community.

Food might be a strange thing to blog about, but I am more consumed by it than I am consuming it these days! And, daily, as a Food Pantry manager, I think about it at work. So, should I get contemplative about this whole subject?

Motorcyclists ask if you ride to eat or eat to ride. My daddy used to ask us if we lived to eat, or ate to live. When you think of it that way, it gives a better perspective to the subject. Food isn't what it is all about. Living is what life is all about. Food is sustenance, energy, provision for getting things done in life. (Yes, I know you can still enjoy the food along the way. That's not where I'm going.) It shouldn't be a focus. But, it is. And with 40% of Texas schoolchildren food insecure, it must become a focus for someone. A concern.

I suppose this is bringing me back to one of my favorite Scriptures. One that I wish I would focus on much more often. "Whether then you eat, or drink, or whatever you do; do it all to the glory of God." 1 Cor. 10:31.